OK, first of all, this is not a happy post, so if you are sensitive, please stop reading now. This is a therapy post. Just warning you that this may be a bit graphic...not in language so much as raw emotion...This is something I need to do. You see, today I found out that I will be losing my second parent to cancer. My cancer journey started almost 20 years ago. Well, actually more than that. My mom was sick for a LONG time before she was finally diagnosed....she fought the ugly beast like a freakin' warrior for 7.5 years. She did everything in her power to keep going. Her goal was to see me graduate, and you know what, that stubborn little woman did just that!!! :-) She got to see her daughter graduate as valedictorian of her class. She also was able to meet Bryan (who later became my husband). Her journey was not an easy one. There were countless trips to the hospital, ugly medicines, treatments, and horrible proceedures, including a bone marrow transplant. She was a fighter to the end. But no matter how hard she fought it just wasn't enough.....it was time for her to leave us....my little brother was only 15. He still, to this day does not really remember our mom healthy. Our childhoods were robbed by this disease. My life, well, all of our lives were centered around it, and trying to get mom better. I helped to run the house while working three jobs in high school. Not your typical highschool experience. Cancer has a way of ripping away "normal" and replacing it with a warped sense of existance. We would actually say "put on your "happy face"......I mean, seriously?!?!?!
And now today, I get the phone call, call me on my cell. He never ever call my cell. No, not since Grandpa Ed was really sick. I knew something was wrong. I called him back. Well, he said, I went into the ER and they did a CAT scan and they found masses......I am being sent to Duluth.....my world was sent into a tailspin so very fast. The lunch I had just eaten almost came up. I knew that whatever he had to tell me wasn't good....I just never expected it to be cancer. Were they sure? Yes. I'll be there.
When I got to the hospital he had already met with the oncologist, and I knew by looking at my stepdad that it wasn't good....he tried hard to put on a good face....but it was there. Pancreatic Cancer. My stomach lurched. How could that be? It isn't fair!!!!!! Why!!!!! First mom, now Jeff.....he said we won't know more until the biopsy, but it is already very involved so there might not be much they can do. He was so flippant. How can he be so flippant???? I am NOT ok. I am NOT ready to go thru this again!!! I was the only one in the room with mom when she died. It was horrible. Now I have to do that again. It is NOT FAIR!!!!!!! I know God only gives us as much as we can bear, but right now I am asking for understanding and for my heart to be opened, because I am struggling. I really, really hate cancer. It broken me. It destroyed me. It destroyed my family. (My brother and stepdad are estranged). I lost my childhood. CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!! I need God's strength to get thru this. I know He is alway with me, but right now I am feeling so very alone. I need to feel carried.
Jeff (my Stepdad) talked about how all they have to do is put the date on the headstone (he and mom have a joint headstone/plot).....I am not ready to think that way......I don't want to think that way. I physically can't. I told him we can't. Not until we get some answers from the oncologist. Once the biopsy is in, we will have answers. We will know if we can do any treatment or just palliative care.
Walking thru the halls, right by the room where mom died. The waiting room where we gathered. It ripped open wounded that have been burried deep within me for 12 years. Tweleve years as of about 2 weeks ago. Ironically, the same oncologist will be treating Jeff......God does have His comforting hand supporting us.....I just need to lean into it.
If you have made it to the end, thank you for letting me vent........
